I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
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The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
🙂🙃🥹
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.