when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
same vibe as tangled headphones
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.