Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
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My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…