My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
You Might Also Like
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.