Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
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“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
We found love in a hopeless place.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Planet of the Apps.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
I wish this was real life…
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Bring back the McRib