“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
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Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Stop making fast and furious movies.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.