Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
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What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
is it earth
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.