I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
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Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.