Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?