ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
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If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?