My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
You Might Also Like
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I’d … I’d rather not.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him