“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
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Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
True
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.