One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
You Might Also Like
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Pizza is an emotion right?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I know
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*