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Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
The honesty is refreshing
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.