“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
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Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.