I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
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[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
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asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them