[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
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me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.