[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Feels
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.