Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
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You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van