Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
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I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
excuse me
Coming out of the dressing room at a store…
Me: What do think?
Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Life with a cat in one tweet
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day