Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
Cats (2019)
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him