The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?