Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE