Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
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[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.