[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
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If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies