I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
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Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
This kid is going places
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*