Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Just so funny
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted