If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
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I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
No, I don’t think I will.