I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
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me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
*pronounces surface like Versace*
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife