AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
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Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Dietest Coke
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school