Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
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I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Put a ring on it
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice