If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
You Might Also Like
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls