If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
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Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Tier 3 meme
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.