What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast