[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
it was a valiant fight
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?