As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
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Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
A classic…
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
You have been warned.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you