Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
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Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet