There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It鈥檚 for arson, I swear!
Mom: It鈥檇 better be!
Just a bush.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It鈥檚 our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 馃槶
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan鈥檚 mustache?
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don鈥檛 understand why the shirt doesn鈥檛 have the vibes
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.