oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
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I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
Air conditioning – not a fan
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.