You Might Also Like
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
dogs can find happiness so easily
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
Happy Thanksgiving
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday