I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
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parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
When you’re here for the treats.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out