Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
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My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
We cut our bangs at dawn.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.