my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
You Might Also Like
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper