Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.