I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
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CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.