*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
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Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Kidney stones? Hard pass
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn