I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.