Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
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*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Cheer up.