There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
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Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Who did it better?
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
this is the greatest thing ever
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still