5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
You Might Also Like
My god she’s good.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.